Cards Against Humanity
by eastWOLF
Summary: It's late at night and the SVU team is about finish for the weekend, Cragen is gone and they are all alone. What happens when Elliot remembers that he has this odd game sitting in his desk? A no hold barred game with the most offensive and hilarious scenarios imaginable ensues!
1. The Rules

Cards Against Humanity

**Disclaimer: If you haven't played Cards Against Humanity it's a really raunchy version of Apples to Apples; the tagline is "A party game for horrible people," so it will offend some. Every card the characters pick are real cards in the game, you have been warned!**

**Author's Note: So here's my first SVU story, hope you guys like it, enjoy.**

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Chapter 1: The Rules

It was near eleven o' clock at night and after a long and hectic week of work everything was winding down. Captain Cragen was gone for the night, most officers had left and the detectives were just about done with their paperwork. ADA Alex Cabot, ME Melinda Warner and Doctor George Huang had left their offices to wait for their friends. Just as the trio arrived Munch and Fin just finished their share of the work, Elliot was sitting patiently at his desk waiting for Olivia.

"Come on Liv, the rest of us are done." Elliot said "We're just waiting on you."

Olivia looked up from her paperwork and then saw everyone around the room. "Just give me five minutes guys."

"Fine, but I'm holding you to that." Elliot started going through his desk so he could pack up what he needed for the weekend. He stumbled upon a black box and grabbed it.

"What's that?" Alex asked while leaning against a wall, she noticed Elliot pausing for a few moments.

He looked up for a few seconds and then back at the box. "It's called 'Cards Against Humanity' last time I went up to Dickie's school one of his teachers gave it to me. She said she saw him playing it with a bunch of friends, said it was something inappropriate for a school environment."

"Cards Against Humanity?" Munch repeated. "What is that some type of doomsday scenario planning kids do?"

Fin and Melinda just looked at him, but neither decided to say anything.

"On the box it says 'A party game for horrible people.'" Elliot read.

"What an odd name for a game." George said from the corner.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Fin asked. "Let's see what this game is about."

"Ok," Elliot agreed. "Liv, are you done yet?"

After a few seconds of silence Olivia closed the manila folder and smiled at her partner. "I'm done now, but weren't we all going out for drinks?"

"There'll be plenty of time to go out drinking." Melinda said.

Olivia looked back at Elliot "Sure let's play."

They all went upstairs to the lounge so there would be more room; each of them grabbed a chair and sat at a big table in a circle. Elliot opened the box and saw instructions he gave them to George to read. Elliot took out the cards, mostly white cards and a stack of black cards. He picked up a white card randomly to see what was on them.

Elliot raised an eyebrow. "What kind of game is this? This card I picked up says 'throwing a virgin into a volcano'"

"Uh...ok...weird" Olivia said not fully getting what kind of cards these are.

"Let George read the instructions." Alex said.

George started to read aloud. "So each player starts with 10 white cards, they seem to have pretty raunchy things written on them. For each round there is a Card Czar who picks up a black card and has to read the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase. The rest of us have to pick which of their white cards are the best or funniest and place them face down. The Card Czar shuffles the cards and reads them all aloud and picks which one they like the best. Whoever they pick gets the black card, which is a point."

Everyone listened to George carefully and thought this could be interesting. "To make this a little more fair, does anyone have a cap that we can throw the cards into?" He asked. "This way there'll be no cheating."

"I got one in my locker." Fin said he got up to go get it.

In the meantime Elliot shuffled the white cards and then dealt them evenly. Fin returned with a Mets baseball cap and placed it in the center of the table.

"Also every round there is a new Card Czar and everybody picks up 1 new white card." George mentioned. "So who wants to go first?"

"Elliot should go first." Olivia smiled at him. "These are his cards."

Elliot smiled back. "Ok, let the game begin."

"I got a feeling something stupid is going to happen." Alex said while looking at the cards she was dealt.

"I agree with that." Melinda said.

"C'mon, this is all in good fun." Fin said reassuringly.

With that Elliot drew the first black card.

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**Let the insanity ensue! Love it? Hate it? Review, should I continue?**


	2. The First of Many Black Cards

Chapter 2: The First of Many Black Cards

Elliot drew the first black card and read it out loud. "What will always get you laid?"

"I can think of a few things." Fin said and gave a wink at Melinda.

"Already with the innuendoes?" Alex asked while putting a card in to the hat like everyone else.

"How am I suppose to pick?" Olivia asked.

"Don't play this _too_ literal Olivia." John said.

"Alright, everyone put in a card?" Elliot asked. He started to pick the cards out of the hat.

**What will always get you laid?**

Puppies! "I can see that." Elliot said.

Morgan Freeman's voice

AXE body spray "I hope not," Olivia said. "Who would get laid by smelling like a teenage boy, they practically bathe in the stuff."

My vagina "Clearly one of the ladies put this card." Elliot smirked.

The art of seduction "Or this one," John added.

Another goddamn vampire movie "Ugh, if I have to hear my kids talk about those movies one more time I think I'm going to cry." Elliot told them. "I'm not picking that one."

He thought for a few seconds and then picked.

**What will always get you laid? ****My vagina**

"Whose card it?" Elliot looked from Olivia to Melinda to Alex, none of them answered.

"It's mine" George said meekly.

Elliot handed him the black card.

"Why did you have to put that image in my head doc?" Munch asked.

"Hey, you're the one who said don't play to literal." George retorted.

"Whose turn is it now?" Munch asked ignoring George.

"My turn," Olivia answered. She picked up a black card.

**What gets better with age?**

Authentic Mexican cuisine "I'm more of a Chinese food person." Olivia stated.

Exactly what you'd expect "Expect what?" Alex asked.

Me time "You can never have enough me time," Elliot quipped. "Of course unless you're one of those sickos we put away."

Half-assed foreplay "When you have nothing left to give, I can see that." Munch said

"TMI man," Fin looked at him.

The token minority "How's that get better with age?" Fin asked "And who's the token minority here? Last time I checked Mel and me are both black."

"I'm pretty sure it's George in this case." Melinda chimed in. "No offence."

George smiled "None taken."

Some god-damn peace and quiet "We could all you some of that." Olivia said.

**What gets better with age? ****Some god-damn peace and quite**

"Yes!" Alex cheered as she got the black card.

Melinda picked up a black card. "At the bottom of the card it says pick 2, it's a fill-in-the-blank."

**In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that [BLANK] ****had really been [BLANK] ****all along.**

"I haven't seen a good M. Night movie since 'Signs'" Elliot said. "Kathy and I went to go see it on a date night."

"I've only seen 'The Sixth Sense'" Munch said while picking his cards.

"'Lady in the Water' was sort of interesting, but the payoff was awful." George said.

"I didn't think it was that bad." Alex looked at him. "Remember when we had a movie marathon; it wasn't as bad as 'The Happening.'"

"I don't think anything is as worst as that kid's movie he made." Melinda gave a sour look. "It was called 'The Last Airbender' my daughter was looking forward to it, in the end all I got to hear was how it was really different from the cartoon. Every time she sees the movie on TV she gets so mad."

Everyone was done picking their cards.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that Copping a feel had really been Giving 110% all along.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that A hot mess had really been Menstrual rage all along.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that Getting drunk on mouthwash had really been Unfathomable stupidity all along.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that Goblins had really been Bitches all along.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that Robert Downey Jr. had really been MechaHitler all along.

In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that A Super Soaker full of cat pee had really been Pabst Blue Ribbon all along.

They all started laughing really hard at that last one.

"Pabst is that that shitty hipster beer right?" Elliot asked.

"Hey I like it." George said. "On occasions it's…passable."

"These all sound like better movies than all of M. Night's movie combined. Fin said.

**In M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, Bruce Willis discovers that ****A Super Soaker full of cat pee**** had really been ****Pabst Blue Ribbon**** all along.**

"Alright!" Alex cheered. "That's 2 points for me.

"Relax Alex," Munch said. "We only just started the game."

It's Fin's turn.

**What never fails to liven up the party?**

"Aw man, I got just the card for this question." Fin groaned. "I would have gotten a point for sure."

"Next time Fin." Olivia said while choosing between her cards.

Porn stars "Someone knows my taste." Fin smirked.

"Fin!" Melinda gave him a death glare.

"What?" he questioned. "When have strippers ever failed to liven up a party? I mean besides when they don't have the complete package."

"Fin!" Olivia was now giving him the death glare.

"Are you ladies telling me you would want to watch ugly dudes get it on?"

"No!" yelled Melinda, Olivia, Alex and George.

"Let's get back to the cards," Elliot said while trying to stifle a laugh.

Sharing needles

A bitch slap "That would be an interesting party." Munch said.

When Fin picked up the next 3 cards he just raised an eyebrow. "Really guys? Did you just pick these cards 'cause I'm black?"

Swag

The Hustle

Kanye West "He has more of an ego than he has talent!" Fin declared.

"I try and not let my kids listen to his music." Elliot told them. "But let see you do better Fin."

"Looks like El just dropped down the gauntlet." Olivia added.

Everyone just started to laugh again.

"I want to see this." Munch jeered.

"Come on Fin." Melinda smiled.

"Alright, alright." Fin tried to settle them down. "Can someone give me a beat? Why don't you Elliot? Ya know, if you can?"

"Fine," Elliot started to beat box.

Fin started to rap:

"So I'm sittin' here late at night,

Thinkin' I was gettin' ready to leave and watch the fight

Waitin' on my friends, gazing up at the moon

When Melinda, Alex and George stroll into the room

Then Elliot pulled out this game

Hell, when I saw it I thought it was lame

So far were havin' a good time

But to prove a point I had to spit some rhymes"

Everyone started to clap and laugh too.

"That's all I got."

"That wasn't too bad," Elliot joked. "I still wouldn't let my kids listen to it."

"As much as I would love to hear Fin rap again, let's get back to the game." Munch said

Fin thought for a second about what card he was going to pick.

**What never fails to liven up the party? ****Porn stars**

"I knew you'd pick that!" Elliot laughed while taking his black card.

"Now it's my turn to pick a card." Munch said, he then picked up a black card.

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**Author's Note: So I'm leaving it on Munch's turn for now, just so people can get a sample of what the rest of this story will be like. What do you think so far? Do you like the format? Reviews are always welcome.**


	3. Munch For President and Elliot as Batman

**Author's Note: I'm glad people are liking the story so far! Also here's the order they play in: Elliot, Olivia, Melinda, Fin, Munch, Alex and then George. Enjoy the next chapter.**

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Chapter 3: Munch For President and Elliot as Batman

John cleared his throat before reading the card.

**When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of [BLANK]**

"The Department of Crackpot Theories?" Fin said flatly and everybody laughed.

"You guys won't be laughing when all my theories come true!" Munch retorted.

"Oh God," Fin groaned. "Let's not get him started; we will be here all night."

"Aw, and here I thought you loved hearing my beautiful voice."

"Sure…" his partner rolled his eyes before putting down a card.

Everyone else placed a card down.

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of Natural Male Enhancement

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of Alcoholism

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of Nicolas Cage "A whole department dedicated to a crazy man?" Alex questioned. "I can see that."

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of The Homosexual Agenda

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of The Gays

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of The Jews "This is the one I'm going to pick but I'll still read the last one." Munch said.

When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of White People

"While these were all interesting choices and you know which one I'm going to pick when I become President you will all have a seat in my cabinet." He smiled.

"Could I be your Vice President?" Alex asked.

"Sure, why not?" he told her.

"Hey," Elliot waved his hands. "Before you start thinking about Munch/Cabot 2016 can we get back to the game?"

"Munch/Cabot '16, I like the sound of that." He chuckled before picking the winning card.

**When I am President of the United States, I will create the Department of ****The Jews**

"I'm on a roll tonight!" Alex was ecstatic as she took the black card. "That's 3 points."

"What the hell!?" Melinda and Fin exclaimed, they looked at each other and smiled.

"Don't hate guys." Alex told them.

"You're cheating!" Olivia exclaimed.

"Don't blame my Vice President." Munch defended her.

"Thank you John," she looked at everyone around the room. "Hey, maybe I just have the best cards."

"Then that would make you the worst person." George told her, Alex looked mocked hurt. "After all it is a game for horrible people."

She stuck her tongue out at George as she picked up a black card. "Well it's my turn now so you guys can stop your bitching for this round."

**In a world ravaged by [BLANK] our only solace is [BLANK]**

Everyone picked their two cards and placed them down, Alex looked them over. "Some of these are really great."

In a world ravaged by The South our only solace is A Salty Surprise "What is a salty surprise?" Melinda asked curiously.

"You don't want to know!" George said firmly.

In a world ravaged by Britney Spears at 55 our only solace is Crystal Meth

In a world ravaged by Shaquille O' Neal's acting career our only solace is 8 oz. of sweet Mexican black-tar heroin

In a world ravaged by Asians who aren't good at math our only solace is Dying Alex looked at George.

"I'm good at math." George chuckled. "But I can totally see Asians who aren't good at math destroying the world."

In a world ravaged by Full frontal nudity our only solace is Jerking off into a pool of children's tears "So whoever put that is going to hell." Alex shook her head.

In a world ravaged by The Devil himself our only solace is God "That's a really good one." Olivia said.

"Now I'm not going to pick that one because it's obviously yours." She looked at Olivia.

"Maybe that's what I want you to think." Olivia was trying to be sly.

Alex thought over her choices and then picked.

**In a world ravaged by ****Full frontal nudity**** our only solace is ****Jerking off into a pool of children's tears**

"Dammit!" Melinda swore. "Ravaged by the Devil himself was my cards!"

"Sorry Melinda next time." Elliot said as he took his black card. "How do the makers of this game come up with this stuff?" he was referring to his point winning cards.

"Well they get points for creativity." Munch responded.

Everyone laughed for a while before George picked up a black card.

"Alright, it's finally my turn." He told them.

**What is Batman's guilty pleasure?**

"Busting the skulls of bad guys." Fin said as he was looking over his cards.

"Like us." Elliot added.

"You mean mostly like you Stabler?" Alex asked. "Of all the things I've seen in that interrogation room you've assaulted the most perps, Fin's a close second though."

Fin looked at Elliot. "I'm not your sidekick."

"Batman doesn't need a sidekick." Elliot puffed out his chest.

"But he has Robin." George corrected.

"Does that make Olivia Robin?" Melinda asked.

"Don't get any ideas!" Olivia sneered.

"Come on Liv, it would go great with my Batman costume." Elliot teased.

"You have a batman costume?" Munch chuckled. "I thought superheroes weren't supposed to reveal their identities?"

"It was for Halloween last year." He smiled. "Kathy made me go to a costume party with her. The party sucked but the kids got a good laugh outta me."

"Got any pictures Batman?" Fin joked.

"You wish!" Elliot laughed.

"We can talk more about his double life later." George said. "Pick your cards already."

He looked at the cards. "…Seriously guys? Five of these cards boarder on the homoerotic…"

Gloryholes

Breaking out into song and dance

Extremely tight pants

Assless chaps

Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon

A homoerotic volleyball montage

**What is Batman's guilty pleasure? ****A homoerotic volleyball montage**

"I finally get a point." Fin took the black card.

"It's like that scene from Top Gun." "Alex added.

"How come we never have volleyball tournaments?" George wondered.

"I think they do have NYPD volleyball games." Alex said. "But who in this squad actually plays sports?"

Everyone kept quiet.

"I rest my case." Alex smirked.

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**So that's the end of round 1 and the scores are Elliot 1, Olivia 0, Melinda 0, Fin 1, Munch 0, Alex 3 and George 1. How many rounds do you guys want me to go up to? 5? 10? Give me a number Hoped you guys liked it, as always reviews are welcome. Also don't forget to check out my other SVU story 'Altered Destines'**


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